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Get Back To Work!

by Andrew London

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1.
Alfonso 02:36
Alfonso be a darling if you can find time today; repaint the lines on the tennis court and blow the leaves away; put out the balls and rackets and wind the net up tight, I’ve got the ladies from the bridge club round for drinks at 6 tonight; Oh no we don’t play tennis, oh, you gave me such a fright but one does like to cultivate the impression that one might. Alfonso be a sweetheart, will you clean the swimming pool, in the summer house you’ll find a hose and a little sucky tool; and maybe spread some towels around ,though we’ve never used one yet, well, they’re Egyptian cotton dear, we do try not to get them wet… Oh no we don’t go swimming, why, I’m not sure that I could, but one does like to cultivate the impression that one would. Alfonso be a treasure if you’re not run off your feet; perhaps a coat of varnish on the outside dining suite? and maybe stack some firewood by the pizza oven too yes, I know we never use it, but it should look as if we do; no, we never dine alfresco, well there are ants and things that buzz, but one does like to cultivate one does like to cultivate one does like to cultivate the impression that one does.
2.
1. You might be minding your own business just getting on with things you should be getting at That’s when you turn around and find your world is upside down Love can get you just like that 2. You might be sipping cider in the country Or scotch and soda in your central city flat mind is on the blink - man you’re gonna need that drink and love can get you just like that BR Love can get you over breakfast in that little cafe where she said she’d meet you at You’ll feel like you’ve been kicked right into your eggs Benedict Love can get you just like that BR2 Love can get you in Australia - on a beach in Bondi or a bar in Ballarat one day you’re Bar-B-Queing prawns, the next you’re out there mowing lawns and love can get you just like that 3. Love can get you at the office while you photocopy over coffee and a chat You’re working at your desk, when hold the phone -alert the press cos love can get you just like that 4. Love can get you into trouble Gonna need a lawyer or a skillful diplomat You know some hearts have started wars bar may as well just surrender yours cos love can get you just like that BR3 Love can get you in Arabia interceding while you’re reading Mr Khayam’s Rubaiyat just like that poet said, you’ll find your love but lose your head and Love can get you just like that You don’t want it to excite you Love will do it just to spite you Love gonna get you Love gonna get you Love gonna get you just like that.
3.
It’s not a virus - it’s a hoax A Chinese one, believe it folks Well it might be a virus, but it’s not contagious i’ve known everything about it now for ages Well it might be contagious, we just don’t know Obama knew, but he won’t tell us, so Ignore the Governor…he’s just a jerk Liberate your state - get back to work So China made it - that’s not fake news And the Democrats, they knew it too There is no panic - there is no queuing And everybody tells us just how well we’re doing So listen to Fox, and listen to Ivanka I just gotta go inside, & inspect this bunker And ignore the governor - he’s just a jerk Liberate your state - get back to work So this is a church, and this is a bible And these people are makin’ a terrible mess, somebody’s gotta be liable where there’s lootin’, there’s gonna be shootin’ You can’t let ’em think you’re weak, I learned that from Putin So even if you’re old , and you get the Covid -19 Virus let’s make America great, and vote for me, before you die resist the Governor…he’s such a jerk Liberate your state - get back to work
4.
Donny's Bar 03:51
Welcome folks to Donny’s Bar, we know you’ve come from near & far To sample our delectable array Of cocktails and aperitifs, you’ll notice with hygiene motifs We’re keen to keep those viruses at bay Our boss is absent, sad to say, he’s off out playing golf today But come on in, sit down & have a drink… we’ve lots to tantalise and appetise, to disinfect and sanitise, sterilise your system, you’ll be feeling in the pink…. Perhaps a Handy Andy shandy might just get you in the mood? It comes in either lavender or pine, You’ll find the impact on your palate not unlike a blacksmith’s mallet, but By all means have some more, you’re really working up a shine A shot of borax in your beer, or Isopropyl Opal Nera’s bound to banish all bacterial disease, Our gin & Harpic’s highly-rated, all our spirits methylated, Cigarettes are not advised, sir, if you please. Our ultra-violet lighting gives your face a healthy glow Though insertion can be painful at the time… Yes, we do still have corona, sorry….. keep your voices low Of course we serve it with a zesty slice of Lux instead of lime Our Dynamo Martini is a must-have here at Don’s Like his complexion it’s a muted shade of peach Our pine-o-clean-a-colada is to die for, (or just after), comes in Tangerine, nectarine, Listerine or bleach, Unless you think dessert would spoil it ,tuck into our Johnson’s toilet duck Or if you’d like to really scour the pan, Just say the word, I’ll go and get all our industrial strength Dettol And for intravenous users, we’ve a needle-sharing plan So come on down to Donny’s bar, we know you’ve come from near and far And hope that you’ve enjoyed a cleansing brew, Should you come over slightly green, Don says Hydroxychloroquine Might be just the thing to scare away that flu Oh I really should explain, we are exempt from any claim Arising from your visit here today. Donald’s lawyers are the keeniest, he’s such a stable genius Suggest that you just pray and walk away………
5.
1 When I’m camping or I’m tramping through the desert or the bush Or just sitting in my office on my sedentary tush I need a little pick-me-up, once the hunger pangs set in I go looking for the toaster, and the Watties baked bean tin 2 Well there’s an ecumenical consensus now, it’s reckoned even that Among the followers of Buddha, Jesus Christ and Mahomat there’s unanimous agreement on the rules, concerning how they should be ate And it’s customary to always find the toast between the baked beans and the plate BR Which is why I raised my eyebrows at a cafe I was in Took a picture and put out a facebook post, For I felt sure that I should share my indignation and chagrin at finding beans (You won’t believe this), residing underneath my toast CH We call it ‘Beans on toast’ it says exactly what it means It’s a universally accepted thing, you don’t get Toast on peanut butter, toast on eggs or on sardines The beans go on the top, I told the waiter- no one orders ‘toast on beans’ 3. ’well…some do’ said this simpleton and sneered a little sneer And it occurred to me to offer him a clip around the ear As I pondered his preposterous proposition, plainly potty and perverse, That any punter should prefer his beans on toast with the ingredients reversed 4. ‘‘Some?” I said…’Some? Who are these ‘some’ who could compose this classic dish with its components incorrectly juxtaposed, why, Not even an Austrailian could so ridicule the culinary arts; And so callously corrupt the constitution of those core constituent parts CH We call it ‘Beans on toast’ it says exactly what it means It’s a universally accepted thing, you don’t get Toast on peanut butter, toast on eggs or on sardines The beans go on the top, you pelican- there’s no such thing as ‘toast on beans’ 5. Well I pointed out the obvious, that it has to do with sauce Which the beans are all mixed up in so it’s runny …der… of course That’s why it it works so well, you unctuous prat, to lay the toast down first For you’ll find that it’s an excellent absorbent once in baked bean sauce immersed 6. And transposition can be tricky, if the toast is on the top You have to shift the baked beans sideways and then attempt to slop Them on the toast, this is inevitably messy, and you’ll find they get cold fast And that’s why when it comes to serving beans on toast, you put the bloody things on last. CH We call it ‘beans on toast’ it says exactly what it means It’s a universally accepted thing, you don’t have Toast on peanut butter, toast on eggs or on sardines The beans go on the top, you troglodite - there’s no such thing as ‘toast on beans’
6.
We try so very hard to be the parents that we want to be And hope we’ll be forgiven our shortcomings Through the years of piggy backs, and changing dirty underdaks Of bruises, runny noses and sore tummings Then finally the day arrives, they step outside the door Into a world seductive and inviting You would always be forgiven if you shed a tear or two, but, oh The future as a duo’s quite exciting But they come home Just when you thought you might be on your own , at last…. but not so fast… Turns out the big wide world’s enticements struggle to compete, with Sky TV, wifi that’s free, and actual food to eat They come home and they ask to have their room back and for yet another loan …for an iPhone And just as you began to think the bathroom was your own Like the annual migration of the starlings, your darlings come back home. —- They turn up with their washing and before long they are noshing, On whatever’s in the fridge, can be reheated And as they’re generous and kind, their mates are never far behind your stocks of South Australian wine are soon depleted So they reclaim all the clothing you decided would be pawned You’ve got a floordrobe in the room you thought of renting You say ‘Let’s get away, we’ll take the car out for the day’ But, oh, the gauge is reading empty though you filled it yesterday… Cos they come home just when you thought you might be on your own, to hold, the old remote control And all your QI episodes deleted overnight, replaced with Pimp My Pet, the Bachelorette, and Married at First Sight They come home like mature Atlantic salmon seek the gravel where they spawned, be warned You thought the long-awaited era of the empty nest had dawned But as the chilly Autumn winds put paid to Summer, it’s a bummer, they come come As the hour hand of parenthood hit’s 12 O’clock at last, At just one minute past, It’s then you’ll see the little beggars come back home.
7.
We were playing up Taranaki, at a ball or some such thing for a village full of older folks, who liked our kind of swing; just about to kick things off, in a tempo bout like this when a fella comes up and asked me if I’d mind him joining in Said his name was Cramer, we shook hands and said g’day I said ‘you don’t have an instrument, what is it that you play?’ He said ‘I used to play a drum kit, but they won’t allow that here so I brought along me bongos, and they’re underneath me chair’ well it was counter to my instincts, and the band looked kinda grim as they shuffled round up on the stage to make some room for him; The big hand got to twelve and I said ‘We’ll start with ‘C’est si Bon’ He said ‘you just count it off & I’ll play along.’ You just count it off and I’ll play along; and I sing a bit, so I’ll help you out, if I happen to know the song; I don’t see too well, I can’t hear much and I might be gettin’ on so you just count it off, and I’ll play along. Well we played Latin, we played country, we played jazz and western swing and Cramer, he was great, just played along with everything straight or syncopated, he’d just fit it in somehow and if he felt the time was right he’d yell out ‘bongo solo now!’ You just count it off and I’ll play along; and I sing a bit, so I’ll help you out, if I happen to know the song; I don’t see too well, I can’t hear much and I might be gettin’ on so you just count it off, and I’ll play along. So Kramer was a lucky find, I’ll happily admit trading solos in Sweet Georgia Brown, the guy just wouldn’t quit; cracking jokes and popping out one-liners like a pro, Like if I forgot the words he’d yell ‘play something that you know!’ and if he lost the tempo, he’d just laugh and give a shrug and suggest to me that perhaps I might try harder to keep up; and if I missed a chord change, or I fluffed a solo part I’d hear him yell across the stage ‘Shall I write you out a chart? So whenever we were ‘Naki bound, I’d give old Keith a call; He’d turn up with his bongos, and entertain us all till they called to say, that he’d passed away at an old folks home up there now at all our Taranaki gigs, we set out an extra chair… You just count it off and I’ll play along; and I sing a bit, so I’ll help you out, if I happen to know the song; I don’t see too well, I can’t hear much and I might be gettin’ on so you just count it off, and I’ll play along.
8.
Building a bar or a boundary fence, You’re understandably reluctant to incur the expense of taking on a tradie with a good reference Though he’s got all the proper tools and lots of experience So maybe you decide you’re gonna do it yourself Take the rusty Black & Decker down from offa the shelf You’ll find the very Acme of advisory teams Awaiting at the Palace of Dreams CH Palace of Dreams, Palace of Dreams In a small town people often go to extremes To help you out with something that you never done before same day delivery, and right to your door Palace of Dreams, Palace of Dreams Enlightening conversations on constructional themes now doing it yourself is not as as hard as it seems down at the Palace of Dreams. For tools and timber Down at the Palace of Dreams For home and hardware Down at the Palace of Dreams From removal and replacement of your structural beams, To your authentic model replicas of Roman quinquiremes, They’ll help you out down there….at the palace of Dreams.
9.
1. Hello, here's your key. You're early - Oh well
so you come from Wellington, that right? yeah thought so - I can tell. It looks as if there's three of you, your agent should have said
cos I only got this unit left - yeah there's just the double bed. You want some milk? blue or green? we give you that for free; but the heater's on a timer, it goes off at half past three.
My wife & I live right next door so if you have to, ring the bell. it's all part of the service at this concrete block motel CH
I been here nearly twenty years and I seen the likes of you;
you think attending to your needs is all I've got to do;
I think it's only fair that I should share my private Hell,
the welcome mat is waiting at this concrete...concrete block motel. 2. Now if you want to do some cooking, can you pull the blinds away?
We had somebody splashing curry on them only yesterday;
and check out time's at 10.00 a.m. so when you're leaving, don't be slow. There’s no-one booked till August but we got our rules, you know? Yes of course we got the internet, it's ten bucks for an hour. We got that wireless broadway thing and it takes a lot of power. And if you climb up on the fridge you get the signal really well, And that’s all part of the service too at this concrete block motel. CH I been here nearly twenty years and I seen the likes of you;
you think attending to your needs is all I've got to do;
I think it's only fair that I should share my private Hell,
the welcome mat is waiting at this concrete...concrete block motel. 3. Now of course there is no smoking, but it is all right to drink
and the shower works OK although the pressure's on the blink
so she tends to dribble out rather slow, and of course the nozzle doesn't fit ;so if you want to actually get wet you might have to move around a bit … Hold on, there is another room, how could I be so dumb?
It used to belong to a chap called Bates ,who lived here with his Mum. I think it's reasonably clean, and we'll only charge you half,
There’s some holes in the shower curtain and some stains around the bath CH I been here nearly twenty years and I seen the likes of you;
you think attending to your needs is all I've got to do;
I think it's only fair that I should share my private Hell,
the welcome mat is waiting at this concrete...concrete block motel.
10.
Wake Up Baby 03:11
Wake Up baby it’s a quarter to eleven I know you only got to bed at seven it’s true what they say, that a woman’s work is never done I don’t like to wake you but the baby’s getting smelly, you know I’d do it for you but the rugby’s on the telly but after that you can take it easy for the rest of the day. The dishes need doing and the cat’s thrown up in the corner; I wouldn’t mind a cuppa if you’re coming through the kitchen again …oh by the way… I could use a little lunch if you think you could be bothered just a little something, don’t you go to any trouble but after that you can take it easy for the rest of the day Wasn’t that funny last night when the car broke down on the way home My back was playing up again, you had to change the tyre in the rain There’s a little bit of cleaning up to do around the shower I’ve got to watch the All Blacks for at least another hour God I’ll be glad when the rugby season is over So I don’t mind if you rest a little longer shift that piano when you feel a little stronger and after that you can take it easy for the rest of the day and maybe put your feet up after that you can take it easy for the rest of the day.
11.
Nature 03:18
12.
Arise, Sir John, You’ve been such a good servant We can’t thank you nearly enough… for ensuring the wealthy stayed fiscally healthy, keep on with that trickle-down theory, good stuff! Your homeless and poor seem to like it outdoors, they sleep on the street now I see… there’s no way in Hell you’d have that in Parnell, eh? Arise, Sir John, have some tea? Arise sir John, yes there’s been some dissent, conservationists can be a bore; it seems they’re not happy, with streams full of crap, E. coli levels up from Taihape to Gore But the butter & cheese’n milk powder your friesians produce is quite simply extreme; those Canterbury Plains have such nice braided drains, Arise Sir John, milk or cream? Arise, Sir John, the Empire salutes you, and here’s to your future good health! for restoring Our knighthoods and titular honours, it seems only right you should have one yourself. We’ve got bridges to mend with that flag referendum, or were you just pulling Our hair? Your record impresses, like a waitresses’ tresses Arise Sir John, put it there! We’re done with our thanking, carry on merchant-banking…. Arise Sir John, Arise Sir John, Arise Sir John, put it there!

about

Includes 'The Covid Suite' of songs written during the 2020 Lockdown. Pretentious socialites, future jobs for one-term presidents, hardware stores, returning children and politicians. Includes our Nils Olsen arrangement of Wayne Mason's classic Kiwi anthem 'Nature'. Contributions from Janet Holborow, Nils Olsen, James Tait-Jamieson, Kirsten London and Ange Glindemann, who also designed the cover from art supplied by Sophrose London.

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released June 1, 2021

produced, engineered and mastered by Ross McDermott at Audiosuite in Paraparaumu.

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Andrew London New Zealand

New Zealand singer/songwriter of mainly (but not exclusively) satirical original songs in a mainly (but not exclusively) 1940s swing genre.

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