A Live Concert

by Andrew London Trio

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1.
04:12
When I was just a young man in my prime, I plied the butcher’s trade in a town called Nookumburra, with a guy called Ronnie Ray But everyone who knew him called him Sting. Stingray’d been a butcher 30 years or more by then and accumulated nothing much, ‘least nothin’ that might pin him down, but to hear him laugh, you’d think he was born a king He said he’d never settled down, never had a spouse he lived all alone in a little flat, at the back of a lady’s house and once a week they’d share a matinee He said that with a sideways wink and then went on to say how the Nookumburra pub was only a hundred yards away as if they’d built it down there just for him… he’d say I’m laughin’, I’m bloody laughing six white shirts and a set of knives in me little flat, and as far as lives go Buddy I reckon, I hold all the bids I’m tellin’ ya boys, I wouldn’t be dead for quids He’d work a longer shift than me, so he’d only do four days out of a week where the rest of us’d do five to earn our pay I’m a gentleman of leisure, he would say. and you know we got no favours, as butchers in those days offcuts for our dogs, the only perks that came our way I’ll show you boys a trick, says old Stingray Takes his bag of dogchops, when the boss is not in sight Hides the biggest rumpsteak in between & seals it tight Filet Mignon at Stingray’s flat that night. I’m laughing. Etc… Well I moved along to other things as young men have to do and I never saw old Sting again, but I’m sure he made it through at the butcher’s shop down Nookumburra way Now there’s lots of blokes with sailing boats and stock portfolios and its safe to say that old Stingray’d never end up one of those and I reckon that’d be just fine with him, cos he’d say ‘I’m laughin’’ etc…
2.
Hi there Sweetheart, how is everything with you, I’m so sorry you’re not with me, on this Pacific island cruise We play six till eight this evening, and then I think we’ve three nights off ah it’s great to be back working, on the Coral Island Queen We’ve got six exotic restaurants, a sauna and a spa And they have Pimm’s & lime on tap there, at the poolside cocktail bar and I’ve tried every day for weeks now, but I still can’t find the gym I’ll have another look tomorrow, on the Coral Island Queen We bought pastries in Noumea down on Anse Vata Beach washed them down with icy French Rose we had escargots and lobster on the Isle of Pines, not sure if I can stand another chocolate creme brûlée Shame I had to leave so early, I meant to change the tyre on your car And to fix that leaky ceiling, hope it hasn’t rained too hard We’re just stuck here in Tahiti - they forecast three more perfect days Yes it’s great to be back working….on the Coral Island Queen She sings: Hi there sweetheart, it’s so great to get your news I’m so sorry I’m not with you, on that Pacific island Cruise It’s been raining cats and dogs here, and got down to minus two So glad you’re nice and warm there, on the Coral Island Queen So the heat pump isn’t working, and the washer’s carked it too there’s a leak up in the ceiling, just above the fuse box too but I don’t want you to worry - just relax and get some sun cos I know how hard you’re working, on the Coral Island Queen Alexander’s been in trouble, he was in a fight at school so I’ve got to see the principal today then later on I’ll check that I’ve amassed sufficient tranquillising substances to make it through the day So someone stole our mailbox, and I think the cat’s got fleas the rope broke on the mower, and the lawn’s up round our knees but all of that can wait, Dear, just relax and have some fun I know you’re working hard Dear, on the Coral island Queen
3.
02:51
Alfonzo be a darling if you can find time today repaint the lines on the tennis court and blow the leaves away Put out the balls and rackets, and wind the net up tight I’ve got the ladies from the bridge club round for drinks at six tonight Oh no we don’t play tennis, why, you dgave me such a fright but one does like to cultivate the impression that one might. Alfonzo be a sweetheart, will you clean the swimming pool? in the Summer House you’ll find a hose and a little sucky tool and maybe spread some towels around though we’ve never used one yet Well they’re Egyptian cotton dear, we do try not to get them wet oh no we don’t go swimming, why, I’m not sure that I could but one does like to cultivate the impression that one would. Alfonzo be a treasure if you’re not run off your feet perhaps a coat of varnish on the outside dining suite and maybe stack some firewood by the pizza oven too Yes I know we never use it, but it should look as if we do. No, we never dine alfresco, there are ants and things that buzz but one does like to cultivate the impression that one does.
4.
Building a bar or a boundary fence, You’re understandably reluctant to incur the expense of taking on a trady with a good reference Though he’s got the proper tools and lots of experience So maybe you decide you’re gonna do it yourself Take the rusty Black & Decker down from offa the shelf You’ll find the very acme of advisory teams Awaiting at the Palace of Dreams Palace of Dreams, Palace of Dreams In a small town people often go to extremes To help you out with something that you never done before same day delivery, and right to your door Palace of Dreams, Palace of Dreams Enlightening conversations on constructional themes now doing it yourself is not as as hard as it seems down at the Palace of Dreams. For tools and timber Down at the POD For home and hardware Down at the POD From removal and replacement of your structural beams, To your authentic model replicas of Roman quinquiremes They’ll sort you out…at the POD
5.
03:51
Johnny was a wild one, got sent down seven years hard in Sydney Town Tura-lura-lura-luraly-ay Elizabeth cried on the dock , says he: 'You're a good girl, Lizzie, don't you wait for me' Tura-lura-lura-luraly-ay Johnny was a thief, he was quicker than some got caught with a bottle of the captain's rum blood runs down to the sand on Emily Bay blood runs down to the sand on Emily Bay Judge said ‘Well I can turn a hard man around; you can do your time out in Kingston Town’ Tura-lura-lura-luraly-ay Johnny said 'well you can cut a chain for me,  but I'll curse your eyes till the day that I'm free’ Tura-lura-lura-luraly-ay Johnny took a hundred till the blood ran black and the chaplain said 'That's a dead man's back' blood runs down to the sand on Emily Bay and the blood runs down to the sand on Emily Bay Jackie said 'Now Brother come along with me, gonna kill me a copper been a worryin' me Tura-lura-lura-luraly-ay Johnny said 'well Jack I been a thinkin' just the same and they got three more before the soldiers came Tura-lura-lura-luraly-ay The Commandant said 'You're gonna hang this morn, England's sorry that you ever been born’ blood runs down to the sand on Emily Bay and the blood runs down to the sand on Emily Bay Johnny was a wild one, got sent down he never did a year in Kingston Town Tura-lura-lura-luraly-ay Elizabeth cried on the day she read He was thrown in a hole, not a prayer was said Tura-lura-lura-luraly-ay And on the Murderers' Mound you can hear his plea: 'You're a good girl Lizzie don't you wait for me' blood runs down to the sand on Emily Bay and the blood runs down to the sand on Emily Bay and the blood runs down to the sand on Emily Bay
6.
Ain’t it pretty, ain’t it grand, expectations all be damned…no ordinary Sheila no compliance, no complaint, no regrets & no restraint, no ordinary Sheila socialite or movie star, a princess or a Queen either way she wouldn’t wanna be ya High-falutin’, nosiree, she is just content to be….no ordinary Sheila. She's a gal who shuns a car, rides her bike both near and far - no ordinary Sheila Constellations in her sights, scanning skies on inky nights - no ordinary Sheila in her little bumbleboat, she sails across the Bay In Cook Strait the weather needs a keeler Says she's off around Cape Horn, Sunday at the crack of dawn - no ordinary Sheila. Husband Gilbert at her side, tramping, climbing far and wide - No ordinary Sheila Shunning folk who cause offence - silly fights and arguments - No ordinary Sheila Oligarchs and misanthropes, scoundrels, rogues and knaves Anxious people searching for a healer, Out with toxic strain and stress, and you can be like - can you guess? No Ordinary Sheila!!
7.
06:33
Don't mind us, we'll just set up in the back - you can go about your business and forget we're here. All we need is a corner, and a regular supply of beer. Don't mind us, we specialise in generating very little interest, and minimal applause absolutely positively guaranteed professional bores. We keep the melody simple so that nobody needs to concentrate, though every now and then one of us might nod off. Occasionally we need to get a little more complicated just in case there's somebody listening and we need to show off, we're just Wallpaper, blend right into the furniture Wallpaper, you can stick us up with beer plastered in the background, you'd hardly even know we're here. We always play some Gershwin whether it's Summertime or not, we're happy to play Cole Porter Night and Day descending notes so arty for the Lennon and McCartney a little bit of Sinatra if it's not My Way, we're Wallpaper etc So don't mind us, just sweep us up with the empties another bottle of Chardon or perhaps Marquee Vue Maybe see you later if we play an elevator near you. We keep away from modern jazz and never play the blues being ignored is fine if we've a steady supply of booze, we're Wallpaper....etc
8.
02:42
Sweet, sweet as I’m gonna make a living outta Jazz I bought some shades and a little hat and I’ve started calling everybody ‘Cat’, I’m sweet, sweet as oops, my bad shoulda said I don’t play anything trad They say I sound a lot like Bird but I play more notes from what I’ve heard I’m sweet, sweet as My style is pretty random it’s post-modern retro cool what everyone calls avant-garde I tell them is old-school I don‘t go much on melody and harmony’s a bore don’t bother tryin’ to tap your foot it’s all in seven-four but it’s sweet, sweet as gonna make a living outta jazz so I smoke a pipe and drink Pernod, and tell ‘em I’m waiting for Godot, I’m sweet, sweet as So chill, relax or better still, chillax! I’ll take you out on a sonic cruise, you’ll dig my cool thirteen-bar blues, it’s sweet, sweet as I’m happening, I’m in the loop, I’m hip, I’m de rigeur in my Che Guevara T-shirt and my Cuba St hauteur I’m careful where I’m seen it’s got to have my kind of class so I hang out at the Lido, order water by the glass I’m sweet, sweet as gonna make a living outta jazz so far this year I haven’t made a cent, but hey that’s ok, Mum pays the rent, I’m sweet, sweet as
9.
Often life is easy things just fall right into place Other times you can’t help feel you’re not up with the pace We all have those moments, yes I’ve had them too, But I got myself an Ipod Now I don’t feel quite so blue - ‘cos Poddy understands me…he knows me really well He always aims to please, with me he never disagrees, at least as far as I can tell; He’s just a little fellow, but his heart is really big and when I need to interface, or find a little space, I know that Poddy still has twenty-seven gig. Poddy understands me…he’d never do me wrong; His little screen lights up & asks me whom I’d like to listen to and what’s my favourite song; I take him on a picnic, and I take him on the train and every night at 10 I tuck him into bed that’s when he likes to charge his little battery up again, I just want to acknowledge, he’s the best bit of technology that ever was invented in this world; He’s like a little person, and for better or for worse-n I will always keep his earplug cord uncurled… Poddy understands me…he goes the extra mile; He always looks so happy when I turn him on, last night I swear I even saw him smile; you say he’s just an object - just a fashionable thing but I’ve not had such compliance, from another new electrical appliance I fear he has my heart upon a string Poddy understands me, I guess by now you’ve heard we sing away the days, I never cease to be amazed how he remembers all the words He loves to go out driving, he never gets enough I’ve a thing to put him in so he can look out of the window at the cars and trees and animals and stuff So that’s the way things are now, he’s a member of my whanau* and I couldn’t do without him if I tried and sometimes when I’m sleeping, if I hear his little beeping I get up and turn him over on his side…
10.
when temorary insanity or mid-life crisis bites or an unrequited craving for attention When lust for an adventure, an escape from daily life begins to get my gluteus a-clenchin’ It’s down to my back shed I go, start oiling up the chain my passed use-by testosterone begins to stir again, Preparing to indulge the ‘Love That Dare Not Squeak it’s Name’ I’m a Middle Aged Man in Lycra I’m a middle aged man in lycra parading my anatomy in hi-vis technicolored glee That reassuring clinging keeps me confident while singing I’m a middle aged man in lycra I’m a middle aged man in lycra winding country roads are best, we like to ride them three abreast that reassuring clinging keeps me confident while singing I’m a middle aged man in lycra I had to sell my Porsche for the deposit on my bike Applied for all the credit cards and maxed ‘em I get my silhouette’s not yet as streamlined as I’d like at least my legs are wind-resistant, since I waxed ‘em. so when you see me riding, though I may present a sight not unlike a saveloy that’s stuffed a little tight at the lights let me go first, but keep your distance, lest I burst I’m a Middle Aged Man in Lycra I’m a middle aged man in lycra accentuate those bumps and swells, keep out the rain, keep in the smells that reassuring clinging keeps me confident while singing I’m a middle aged man in lycra I’m a middle aged man in lycra parading my anatomy in hi-vis technicolour glee that outer skin compresses my mamilian excesses I’m a MAMIL that reassuring clinging keeps the dangly bits from swinging I’m a middle aged man, I shoulda bought a van, I’m a middle aged man… in lycra
11.
Now I know that it's important for the status one can get to drive a motor vehicle that gives an accurate reflection of the rung that one inhabits on the ladder of success A badge of one's accomplishment no less And every model citizen should naturally aspire to own the biggest SUV that one can possibly acquire in order that one's family can ride around much higher than the commoners and peasants on the street I know they chew a lot of gas but apathy's the middle classes' stock response to inconvenient facts And even though they tend to roll there's usually a passing prole glad to break your fall and stop the paintwork getting scratched But I'm a man of modest means I can't afford the big machines the ones that rove and cruise across the land, and I could be as happy as a strawberry in a pav If I could only have a Rav A Rav is not so ostentatious which, although disadvantageous when one is intent on demonstrating one's contempt for those who obviously haven't tried as hard as p'raps they ought, it does display one's status and importance And if I fit a ski rack and some bull bars on the grill pretend I'm on Safari charging out across the Veldt amongst the hedges and the cul-de-sacs of Wadestown after dark The Indiana Jones of Churton Park. I doubt that I'll, it must be said, be driving up a river bed pursuing wildebeest or wild bighorn the closest it will ever go to crashing through the undergrowth is when the weather's sunny and I park it on the lawn. So though I'll soon or later need an equipment compensator for now I think I'll stick within my rut, but I could be as happy as a toothpick in a sav If I could only have a Rav. If I could only have a Rav.
12.
03:12
It’s not always easy getting on with married life I know that you’ll agree if you’ve a husband or a wife you need a hobby or activity, that you can do together as a team Last year we tried philosophy but it made us argue more then we both went cycling till some bits of mine got sore It took a while for us to both concur, on something that fulfils both me and her We buy appliances, it doesn’t matter what they do We buy appliances, don’t knock it, it may work for you We buy appliances, they’re so shiny when they’re new We buy appliances. appliances to brush out teeth, appliances to cut our meat appliances to soak our feet, appliances just can’t be beat appliances to dry our hair and suck the water from the air We buy appliances We found we were both dreaming of a trip to Harvey Leeming Let L. V. Martin put it right whenever we have had a fight for married bliss we need no magic wand, they’ve got everything we need at Bond & Bond So while some folks might go camping, other couples like to dance or watch those arty movies all about things they only do in France we just take a trip down to the mall for something we can plug into the wall We buy appliances, it doesn’t matter what they do We buy appliances, don’t knock it, it may work for you We buy appliances, we’ve collected quite a few We buy appliances. appliances to brush out teeth, appliances to cut our meat appliances to soak our feet, appliances just can’t be beat appliances to warm our towels, appliances to shave our jowls appliances to roast our fowls, appliances for boys and gals appliances to bake our bread, appliances to use in bed appliances…..instead, in case I’m just not interested appliances to dry our hair and suck the water from the air We buy appliances We buy appliances We buy appliances.

about

Recorded at Wellington Bluegrass Society June 2019. Last gig with Nils Olsen and Andrew Bicknell awarded the QSM that week. Great celebration ensued. DVD of the show also available - go to andrewlondon.co.nz

credits

released September 3, 2019

All songs written by Andrew London
Artwork: Anje Glindemann
Recorded and mastered: Ross McDermott at Audiosuite Studios, Paraparaumu
Photo: Bradley Garner

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Andrew London New Zealand

New Zealand singer/songwriter of mainly (but not exclusively) satirical original songs in a mainly (but not exclusively) 1940s swing genre.

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