Ladies a Plate

by Andrew London Trio

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    Eight original satirical songs by Andrew London including the ever-poular "I Hugged My Mate', and 'Country's Buggered', and the evocative title track which celebrates the days of country hall dances. Kirsten sings a couple of jazz standards, an original from Nils Olsen, and a Beatles song to round things off. Andrew plays some uncharacteristically-scorching lead electric guitar on the opening track, and a couple of banjo solos further down.

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    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of A Live Concert, Standard Deviations, Middle Class White Boy Blues, Ladies a Plate, Let's Take Offence!, So Many Tracks, Let's Have Friends Around For Dinner, and Live at The Bent Horseshoe. , and , .

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1.
I'm doing well, I'm doing real well I'm talking oil well, real well, makin' pharmaceuticals, global clientele are buying all I got to sell doing really really really really really really really really well I'm doing fine, like that's a crime I’m makin' money in munitions, and a fortune outta gas got a castle in Morocco and a factory in Madras doing really really really really really really really really well BR I can buy a Maserati, I can buy a piece of Spain I could sell all my Picassos, and buy them back again I got a hundred million dollars gonna blow it in one shot I meant to do it yesterday I just forgot hey I think I'll buy a yacht. a really really big yacht think I’ll buy a really really really really really really really big yacht 3 I'm doing great, ah for goodness sake stop going on about the poor, don't you shove 'em in my face if they worked a little harder they could end up in my place doing really really really really really really really really well BR 2 I could maybe build a hospital in Kenya or Chad eradicate malaria, or that other thing they had I got a hundred million dollars gonna blow it in one shot I meant to do it yesterday I just forgot solo I can buy a Maserati, I can buy a piece of Spain I can sell all my Picassos, I can buy them back again I got a hundred million bucks gonna blow it in one shot I meant to do it yesterday but I forgot hey I think I'll buy a yacht. a really really big yacht a really really really really really really really big yacht some sort of cloaking device so if I want to I can hide it how bout a little docking bay, I'll stick another yacht inside it! how bout those endangered species, god I love ‘em all let’s skin a hundred stingrays & put ‘em on the wall
2.
There is nothing I'll avoid, from Janet Frame to Sigmund Freud, from Alistair Maclean to Aristotle, but When I read there are three little words guaranteed, to send me in search of a bottle: Well it's not that I'm scared of commitment or prone to emotional stress It's not that I'm lazy or backward, my psychological state is no worse that the rest Cos I've had lots of counselling sessions done Tai Chi and Yoga and Zen I've adopted techniques from pre-Socratic Greeks and I've done Tantric sex that just drags on for weeks and I've seen maharishis and mystics with psychics and sikhs I've conspired but there's no relief I still shake like a leaf despite all the skills I've acquired when I hear those three little words: some assembly required. I'm not really sure where it started this phobia complex and dire some trauma begat this condition, was it that crystal radio set or the Airfix Spitfire? Bar-B-Qs, trampolines and wheelbarrows; the construction of all I abhor I finish triumphant then to my discomfort there's a big pile of leftover parts on the floor Well of course it's the fault of my father, from whom no handyman skills were acquired though my penchant for words was enhanced when I heard how his language became so inspired, confronted by three little words: some assembly required. So bring out the toolbox, bring out the gin and prepare the Elastoplast bandaids Send the children away for the rest of the day, leave Daddy alone it's just safer that way It was that kitset TV cabinet did it, it just stood there askew and forlorn with it's doors upside down and it's corners all chipped and the hole in the side where my screwdriver slipped I've a temperament mild and good-natured for which I'm quite rightly admired but to flatpack that munchkin who translates instructions is something that I've long desired and to Hell with those three little words: some assembly,bly required.
3.
Well I'm a Kiwi through and through Im an All Black follower just like you and I grew up watching Pinetree on TV He'd score a try between the posts and trot on back with the other blokes with no display of joyfulness or glee and I was brought up similarly we don't emote spontaneously and we try to avoid displaying affection publicly but something happened the other night that I'd like to share with the group tonight that signifies a strange anomaly 2. I was having a beer with a mate, you see or a shandy it might have been actually and he told me things were grim as they could be He'd lost his job at the florist's shop and got pulled over by a traffic cop who booked him on the spot for DIC and his wife had run off with his kids and shacked up with a friend of his who was consequently behaving quite aloof and rather smug well I don't know what came over me but just as we got up to leave well bugger me, I gave my mate a hug. CH You hugged a mate? I hugged a mate You hugged a mate! I hugged a mate By the time I realised what I'd done, it was just a bit too late He was big and he was hairy, and he was understandably wary and it was scary, but I hugged my mate 3. 'What's that for?' he said to me and I mumbled about solidarity and being there for your mates when times get tough so he wandered off and I fretted a bit but he seemed to soon get over it and things got back to normal soon enough but I was down the pub just after that having a Pimms with another chap on a Thursday when they do that excellent dill and salmon quiche well he seemed distracted as we dined so I said "What's on your mind?' he said he'd heard I'd hugged my mate, and what was it like? 4. well I said at first it was rather strange and we both felt awkward at this rearrangement of the traditional way that kiwi blokes behave but I said that a moment of intimacy had been enjoyed by my mate and me and it might have been even nicer actually, had he shaved and I said I thought we should be allowed to show affection, even in a crowd and not be afraid to let it out so everyone can tell well he looked confused and a little sad and told me how he missed his Dad well stone the crows I hugged this bloke as well CH 5. so we've all gotten used to it now we seldom fret any more about how we show affection indiscriminately and we get together, put the World to rights on our weekly Downton Abbey nights in the spa pool with a tall banana daiquiri and as Dave and I drove home last week from the ballet, I began to speak about how sensitive and caring we Renaissance chaps can be and he agreed we certainly had progressed said he rather liked the way I dressed changed gear, and put his hand back on my knee
4.
5.
You'd go to Heaven for the climate but to Hell for company you'll sacrifice some comfort for conviviality; consider well with whom you'd want to while away Eternity You'd go to Heaven for the climate but you'd go to hell to find good company Vs Well as his days get shorter and a man begins to muse on where he's liable to end up once all his days are used The leafy glades of Paradise would seem to have allure notwithstanding infestation by the terminally pure And if all that's left's bereft of scintillating company that would make forever seem like an eternity and if Hell's rather warmish and the air's a little close, you'd want distracting conversation while you toast CH There's be Nietzsche there to greet ya, still insisting God is dead to all the demons sent with orders to torment him and over there his friend Voltaire, who says if that's the case it is therefore necessary to invent him When he said' Faith is being convinced that what you don't believe is true, Mark Twain ensured that Heaven's blessings passed him by John Lennon, damned again, and thinking twice about his view, that to imagine there is no such place , is easy if you try
6.
7.
8.
My palms are getting sweaty and my mouth is getting dry I'm starting to hallucinate and spin I gotta find find a laptop or an ipad or a phone so I can get some social internetwork in took a picture of my breakfast and posted it online with some total stranger's iphone on the table next to mine yeah it seems a little creepy now but I'm sure he would agree cos it's unlikely he's as interesting as me Like me, like me, be my friend, and read me every day I know you hang on every word I have to say share me, share me, share me with your friends cos they'll agree, There's nobody quite as interesting as me I'm desperate to post it's been an hour or maybe two my friends will be beside themselves, they won't know what to do they might forget I'm here, Oh God I can't be having that so here's another picture of my fluffy pussy cat here's some insipid saccharine saying from the Dalai Llama's book that you may not find uplifting, but it serves to make me look as if I'm centred and serene, in an enlightened sort of way I'm spreading blessedness and wisdom here today so who's your favourite movie star, and what's your favourite song? no wait, don't bother I’ll just tell you mine instead then you can just agree with me, and comment if you like but be sure you don't go crapping on my thread I'm way too busy to be social , don't come knocking at my door no point in calling on the phone, don't think I own one any more and I never answer email, that would be so 'yesterday' I'm on Facebook, each and all of every day
9.
Bloody hippies, bloody Greens Bloody tofu , bloody beans bloody dreadlocks, bloody Beards bloody cyclists, bloody weird back in my day, folks had more sense country’s buggered - no offence bloody Greenpeace saving snails or bloody useless fat lazy whales bloody yoghurt , non-bloody fat bloody couscous, what the bloody hell is that? back in my day, folks had more sense country’s buggered - no offence BR bloody townies, bloody queers bloody poncy bloody boutique beers bloody pubs banning bloody smokes bloody blokes allowed to go marrying bloody blokes bloody leftie, carry-on bloody whingeing bloody poms bloody Banksie's, bloody gone bloody Kim dot bloody Com bank in my day, folks had more sense country’s buggered - no offence BR Bloody twerking, bloody rap bloody backward baseball cap bloody youth, out there tagging walls bloody anti bloody smacking bloody laws bank in my day, folks had more sense country’s buggered - no offence Bloody immigrants, bloody terrorists bloody slimy televangelists bloody chardonnay socialists bloody hairy, bloody goddamn feminists bank in my day, folks had more sense country’s buggered - no offence
10.
11.
Ladies a plate, you've got a date with me, Saturday night at the hall We’ll dance near the bandstand and ask them for more, won’t even stop while they powder the floor Ladies a plate, you’ve got a date with me Saturday night at the hall I’ll come round at seven, you’ll be dressed by then, got Brylcream all over my collar again you do your hair while I chat with your Dad You look so pretty and I don’t look too bad We’ll take my old Prefect, if you don’t mind the noise There’s a flagon of Brown in the back for the boys Our friends will all be there, I just heard today We’ll dance the whole night away We’ll chance the Maxina ,we’ll chacha and jive We’ll quickstep and foxtrot and waltz When we do the Gay Gordon my mind’s in a whirl cos those other guys all get to dance with my girl And when supper is over we’ll kick off our shoes cos the band will start rockin’ them Summertime Blues But the last waltz is mine , you’ll say soft in my ear “It’s the loveliest night of the year “

about

Satirical songs about super yachts, DIY, Kiwi male emotional repression, religion, social media and politics. Two great old jazz standards and a McCartney classic from 'Rubber Soul'. Bonus original from Nils Olsen.

credits

released January 3, 2014

Andrew London (guitar, banjo & vocals)
Nils Olsen (flute, clarinet, sax & vocals)
Kirsten London (bass & vocals)
Lance Philip (drums)
Wayne Mason (piano)

All songs by Andrew London except:
'The One Who No-one Knows' by Nils Olsen
'No Moon at All' by Mann & Evans
'You Won't See Me' by Lennon & McCartney
'Exactly Like You' by McHugh & Fields

Recorded at Matrix Digital Studios, Wellington. Engineered by Phil Adams, Troy Leamy and Blair MacDonald. Produced jointly by all of the above.

Cover art by Gerad Taylor, www.geradtaylor.com.

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Andrew London New Zealand

New Zealand singer/songwriter of mainly (but not exclusively) satirical original songs in a mainly (but not exclusively) 1940s swing genre.

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