Let's Take Offence!

by Andrew London Trio

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    more satire & social comment, some pathos and nostalgia, and the odd parody. Includes the theme song from the movie 'No Ordinary Sheila', co-written with director Hugh MacDonald, the ever-popular Middle-Aged Man in Lycra, a couple of standards by Kirsten and the Kirstenettes, and my first and (so far) only Christmas song.

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    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of A Live Concert, Standard Deviations, Middle Class White Boy Blues, Ladies a Plate, Let's Take Offence!, So Many Tracks, Let's Have Friends Around For Dinner, and Live at The Bent Horseshoe. , and , .

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1.
Hi there Sweetheart, hoping all is well with you, I’m so sorry you’re not with me, on this Pacific island cruise We play six till eight this evening, and then I think we’ve three nights off ah but it’s great to be back working, on the Coral Island Queen There are six exotic restaurants, a sauna and a spa they have Pimms & lime on tap there, at the poolside cocktail bar and I’ve tried every day for weeks now, but I still can’t find the gym I’ll have another look tomorrow, on the Coral Island Queen we bought pastries in Noumea, down on Anse Vata Beach washed it down with icy French Rose we had escargots and lobster on the Isle of Pines, don’t know if I can stand another chocolate creme brûlée Guess I’ll go ashore tomorrow, another Island paradise no doubt take the sun screen and my swimmers, read a book and lie about beneath a slowly swaying palm tree, how I miss my office desk feels good to be back working….on the Coral Island Queen
2.
I’ve had to bid the Good Keen Man adieu I’ve been politically corrected by the cultural milieu Got my finger on the pulse, and to the zeitgeist I am hip a serious renaissance man cannot afford a slip So I’ve adopted the philosophy du jour we’ve been far too easy going and pathetically demure can we all become aware, we need to be less laissez-faire and learn to spot an insult, when it isn’t even there Let’s take offence, let’s get uptight and intense, let’s take offence let hostilities commence let’s take umbrage and exception take a slight and take objection let’s abandon commonsense and take offence Let’s take offence, misinterpret compliments and take offence let’s start seeking recompense let’s get upset and get upended, let’s get down and get offended the return could be immense. let’s take offence. There’ll be no end to what we can achieve, by acting all insulted and acceptably aggrieved it’s lately been reported that the system can be rorted if your underwear’s contorted and you’re satisfactorily peeved let’s work ourselves into a frightful tiz cos there are government departments dedicated to the business of protracted litigation and self-righteous indignation I can’t wait to get offended and start sending invoices just getting miffed would be a pity, let’s get really good and shitty let’s get down from off the fence, get uptight and intense let’s abandon commonsense and let’s take offence
3.
I Mowed The Lawn on Christmas Eve, though it really didn’t need it it’s just a thing my father did at Christmas and no-one ever saw it, cos we always went to Grandma’s it's just he liked to get it done for Christmas We’d have tea and toast around the tree and wait for Mum to finally come while you & I would argue bout whose turn it was to hand out presents and the smell of artificial snow can take me back to 10 years old, when we were all together at Christmas I Mowed The Lawn on Christmas Eve, though it really didn’t need it it’s just a thing my father did at Christmas and that year I did it for him, cos he’d been a little out of breath and Mum had told me that he shouldn’t overdo it and my head was thumping from the wine I’d drunk the night before, my band had played a blinder guess it must have been the year before I married and the smell of freshly-mown grass reminds me that was p’raps the last time we were all together ...at Christmas I Mowed The Lawn on Christmas Eve, though it really didn’t need it it’s just a thing my father did at Christmas Our daughter’s in Australia, and our son is with his inlaws we seldom see them now, at Christmas but we bought a tree and put it up in a bucket wrapped in Christmas paper hung some lights and coloured balls and sprayed it all with snow and we sat outside & drank champagne though we really didn’t need it, it’s just a thing my father did at Christmas
4.
02:20
5.
Often life is easy things just fall right into place Other times you can’t help feel you’re not up with the pace We all have those moments, yes I’ve had them too But I got myself an Ipod Now I don’t feel quite so blue 1. Poddy Understands me, he knows me really well He always aims to please, with me he never disagrees at least as far as I can tell He’s just a little fellow, but his heart is really big and when I need to interface, or find a little space, I know that Poddy still has twenty-seven gig 2. Poddy Understanfs Me, He’d never do me wrong His little screen lights up & asks me whom I’d like to listen to and what’s my favourite song I take him on a picnic, and I take him on the train and every night at 10 I tuck him into bed that’s when he likes to charge his little battery up again BR I just want to acknowledge, he’s the best bit of technology that ever was invented in this world He’s like a little person, and for better or for worsen I will always keep his earplug cord uncurled 3. Poddy understands me, he goes the extra mile he always looks so happy when I turn him on, last night I swear I even saw him smile you say he’s just an object - just a fashionable thing but I’ve not had such compliance, from another new electrical appliance I fear he has my heart upon a string BRIDGE 2 So that’s the way things are now, he’s a member of my whanau and I couldn’t do without him if I tried and sometimes when I’m sleeping, if I hear his little beeping I get up and turn him over on his side Poddy understands me Poddy understands me Poddy understands me
6.
I’m bored - let’s go out. Let’s put ourselves about - I’m tired of the usual round We’ve been seen in all the cafes, well at least the ones in vogue and set the bar for boorish bad behaviour, by intellectual bogans so I need -something new - something new and fun to do - my sense of self-importance needs a boost we’ll come right out and insult cha’ while we vandalise ya culture let’s go out to a concert and talk. 3/4 Let’s go out to a concert and talk, the band won’t complain, just as long as we’re payin’ and the peasants can jump up and down and exclaim hey why don’t you go take a walk? we can giggle and snort like the Duchess of York Let’s go out to a concert and talk and, be great, to be fashionably late we can move chairs around, let them scrape on the ground let coins fall from pockets, watch eyes roll in sockets, let mass indignation abound; if one and one’s date can make everyone wait, hey great to be fashionably late Let’s go out to a movie and chat be sociable neighbours and make some new friends we can offer them popcorn, let slip how it ends, take the front row and wear a tall hat…. ….have a jolly good natter about this and that, Let’s go out to a movie and chat. Bring the wine, pop the cork, watch them stutter and squawk, let’s go out ….to a concert and talk
7.
03:59
when I was just a young man in my prime, I plied the butcher’s trade in a shop near Nookumburra, with a guy called Ronnie Ray But everyone who knew him called him Sting 2 Stingray’d been a butcher 30 years or more by then and accumulated nothing much, ‘least nothin’ that could pin him down, but to hear him laugh, you’d think he was born a king BR He said he’d never settled down, he never had a spouse he lived alone in a little flat, at the back of a lady’s house and once a week they’d share a matinee 4 and he said that with a sideways wink and then went on to say how the Nookumburra pub was only a hundred yards away as if they’d built it down there just for him… he’d say CH I’m laughin’ mate, I’m bloody laughing I got six white shirts and a set of knives in me little flat, and as far as lives go buddy I reckon I’m holdin’ all the bids I’m tellin’ ya boys, I wouldn’t be dead for quids He’d work a longer shift than me, so he’d only do four days out of a week where the rest of us’d do five to earn our pay I’m a gentleman of leisure, he would say. and you know we got no favours, as butchers in those days offcuts for our dogs, the only perks that came our way I’ll show you boys a trick, says old Stingray BR and he’d take his bag of dogchops, when the boss was not in sight hide the biggest rumpsteak in between & seal it tight Filet Mignon at Stingray’s flat that night. CH I moved along to other things as young men have to do and I never saw old Sting again, but I’m sure he made it through at the butcher’s shop down Nookumburra way and there are lots of blokes with sailing boats and stock portfolios and its safe to say that old Stingray’d never end up one of those But I never met a richer man than him, he’d say CH ‘I’m laughin’’, Boys I’m bloody laughin’….
8.
Ain’t it pretty, ain’t it grand, expectations all be damned…no ordinary sheila no compliance, no complaint, no regrets & no restraint, No ordinary Sheila socialite or movie star, a princess or a Queen either way she wouldn’t wanna be ya High falutin’, nosiree, she is just content to be….no ordinary sheila. 2. She's a gal who shuns a car, rides her bike both near and far - no ordinary Sheila Constellations in her sights, scanning skies on inky nights - no Ordinary Sheila in her little Bumbleboat, she sails across the Bay In Cook Strait the weather needs a Keeler Sez she's off around Cape Horn, Sunday at the crack of dawn - no ordinary Sheila. 3. Husband Gilbert at her side, tramping, climbing far and wide - No ordinary Sheila Shunning folk who cause offence - silly fights and arguments - No ordinary Sheila Oligarchs and misanthropes, scoundrels ,rogues and knaves Anxious people searching for a Healer, out with toxic strain and stress, and you can be like - can you guess!! - No Ordinary Sheila!!
9.
10.
when temor’y insanity or mid-life crisis bites or an unrequited craving for attention when lust for an adventure, an escape from daily life begins to get my gluteus a-clenchin’ It’s down to my back shed I go, start oiling up the chain my ‘passed use-by’ testosterone begins to stir again preparing to indulge the ‘Love That Dare Not Squeak it’s Name’ I’m a Middle Aged Man in Lycra I’m a middle aged man in lycra parading my anatomy in hi-vis technicolor glee That reassuring clinging keeps me confident while singing I’m a middle aged man in lycra I’m a middle aged man in lycra winding country roads are best, we like to ride them three abreast that reassuring clinging keeps me confident while singing I’m a middle aged man in lycra I had to sell my Porsche, for the deposit on my bike signed up for all the credit cards and maxed ‘em I get my silhouette is not as streamlined as I’d like at least my legs are wind-resistant, since I waxed ‘em. so when you see me riding, though I may present a sight not unlike a saveloy that’s stuffed a little tight at the lights let me go first, and keep your distance, lest I burst I’m a Middle Aged Man in Lycra CH I’m a middle aged man in lycra accentuate those bumps and swells, keep out the rain, keep in the smells that reassuring clinging keeps me confident while singing I’m a middle aged man in lycra solo I’m a middle aged man in lycra parading my anatomy in hi-vis technicolour glee that outer skin compresses, my mammilian excesses I’m a MAMIL that reassuring clinging keeps those dangly bits from swinging I’m a middle aged man, I shoulda bought a van, I’m a middle aged man… in lycra
11.
If you’d be so kind, just let me out at the corner and I’ll Walk home through the park, It’s only raining lightly No no I’ll be fine......please, If you’d be so kind No, I don’t mind, it’s not as if we’d gone too far it’s only been a weekend, and it all seems like a dream now Look the rain is stopping so please ....if you’d be so kind I was so surprised when you walked into the party you never seem to change at all I should have been more careful but , you know how it is sometimes when you don’t think straight, you can find that it’s way too late.... So if you’d be so kind, let’s keep this to ourselves nobody needs to know, and I can find my way home look the rain has stopped, please, if you’d be so kind...
12.
I’m not one who falls so easily why do I sigh, whenever you leave me time and time again I’m fallin’ for you Doctor says it’s quite incurable lucky f’ me it’s delightfully endurable time and time again I’m fallin’ for you I toss and turn, can’t sleep at night I don’t know where I am when you call I always fall right there on the phone, I’m so accident prone All my friends say I’m deplorable can’t see why I find you adorable time and time again I’m fallin’ for you
13.
In Real Estate, around welling- ton, agents meet, and start to sing..... Well Khandallah is nice but you'll pay half the price in Karori cos there's only one bus route that goes in and out of Karori if you wanna drive, wait till after 5.00, then you can arrive without too much expletin’ If you wanna jog, way up in the fog, look out for the log someone’s dog’s been excretin’ and though Island Bay’s grand, it’s topography’s bland after Brooklyn where the hilly terrain would have sherpas complain of the climb if you claw up its flanks without oxygen tanks you’ll be sorry Pardon me can’t you see you’ll be longing to be in Karori Well though Seatoun is gay it’s much further away than Hataitai In the tunnel we toot just for fun all en route to Hataitai you can ride a bike anywhere you like, even take a hike with a picnic and vino you can take a stroll, buy a sausage roll, latte in a bowl, or a soy cappucino Well the parking is free, cos you’re down by the sea in Petone when the southerly blows and you can’t see your nose through the rain though it’s nice on the sand, you will freeze where you stand if it’s pouring pardon me but you see you’ll be longing to be in Karori and we love Berhampore, but it is such a bore after Newtown if your partner is keen on exotic cuisine, go to Newtown you could get a quick, doner on a stick, possibly a mixed or a chicken iskender vindaloo & rice, can be very nice, never mind the price, if you’re out on a bender yes we love Wellington and we’d welcome you into Karori we’re the suburb of choice for the few hoi pollois who do well..... we vote Grant Robertson, still we might let you in if you’re Tory our respect can be bought if you keep your lawn short in Karori

about

This is our fourth studio album, and the first recorded at Ross McDermott's Audiosuite Studio in Kapiti. I feel we're slowly drawing away from trad jazz stylistically, and delving into folk & country styles (the Christmas song, Stingray) although the swing tradition is well-represented as always. We never played some of these until after they were recorded , which I sometimes feel is a mistake - it's better to 'blood' the songs on the road for a few outings before committing them to permanence in the studio. Some may be unfinished and be re-approached in the future. Or not.

credits

released October 1, 2017

recorded, engineered and mastered by Ross McDermott at Audiosuite Studios, Kapiti Coast.

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Andrew London New Zealand

New Zealand singer/songwriter of mainly (but not exclusively) satirical original songs in a mainly (but not exclusively) 1940s swing genre.

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